A cheesy incident

I am fond of food, quite fond actually. For me, the consumption of food is not simply a matter of supplying the body with the necessary amounts of energy, vitamins and whatever is required to keep it going; food is one of my few pleasures in life. I do not smoke, I do not do drugs, I do not drink, I do not gamble and I am not promiscuous and thus food is my only source of hedonistic activity. I will stop talking about food since it is making my mouth water and get straight to the point: an incident which occurred last week related to my well-known food-consuming antics...

It was an ordinary weekday and I had one of my usual tutorials with the M.Sc. group, with the latter including 2 Maltese students. After the tutorial was done, I decided to join the Maltese bunch for lunch rather than my usual Ph.D. colleagues and us 3 headed to the cafe found in the foyer of the Central Library building. On that day, I was totally famished, not an unusual feeling for me, especially after an hour of 'structural analysis' tutoring. As we stood in the queue (you see, the Brits love queues!) for the servery, I stood adjacent to a huge refrigerated display of baguettes with all kinds of filling varieties. The constant stomach grumbling, the smell of freshly baked pastries, all combined with the sight of the baguettes, made me impulsively go for a baguette. Not just any baguette but a baguette which immediately caught my fancy...

I told my Maltese colleagues, "This is it!" as I pointed to the particular baguette I was about to have. A honey-coloured, notoriously larger-than-usual baguette, both in length and in width, with protruding tomatoes of remarkable diameter (I would swear genetically modified!), attractively coloured lettuce and rucola leaves. Irresistibly appetising. "What is it?" inquired my colleague. "I don't care, I want that one!" was my immediate reply. I glanced at the label on the package and saw that it read "Bacon and *******", with the latter word beyond my vocabulary and which I am not revealing as yet since it would alter the course of the narrative. I did not care that I was not even vaguely aware of what the *** word was: Meat? Filling? Cheese? But the baguette looked too good to be true and I was having it just the same! I clearly indicated which one I wanted to the attendant, who promptly handed me my prized lunch and impatiently headed for the cash point, paid, hurriedly filled in a glass of water from the jug (which needed refilling and thus prolonging my wait!!) and finally sprinted to the first available table in the crowded cafe to encounter my lunch.

The 2 other Maltese eagerly waited for me to indulge in my baguette. I was even more enthusiastic to unwrap the (un)lucky baguette which was about to be my lunch for the day. Wrapper gone, I got hold of the thing and took one, large bite. And then: the curtain was drawn, my eyes were opened...but it was too late!

The unmistakable, characteristic and overwhelming taste of blue cheese. And loads of it. Enough to fill the largest baguette the Library cafe has ever seen. The *** word was none other than: Stilton. Now this deserves a quick explanatory note.

One of my favourite foods is cheese. Cheese of all forms and varieties: Brie, Camembert, Mexican, goat, Parmesan, Grana and all the rest; the process of cheese eating is almost an art in itself, combined with the right wine and choice of cold-cut meats, in a warm Maltese wine bar, with candle light and soft jazz playing in the background: heaven. BUT...I abhor blue cheese. The very sight of it. Even more the smell of it. Never had the misfortune of enduring the taste of it. So much so, that I never acquainted myself even with the varieties of blue cheese, such as the actual word "Stilton"!

So back to the Library cafe...as I chewed the first bite of my baguette which had caught the attention of my Maltese friends, they stared at me, waiting for my reaction. "So, is it good?" was the obvious question. "Too good," I lied, not wanting to embarrass myself. "Be right back, grabbing a Coke," I said as I left the table to get a bottle of anything which could aid in subsiding that horrible, horrible taste. Returning to my table, I was faced with the rest of the baguette, which now seemed even larger than ever before. The concave shape of my bite looked like a smiley face: the baguette grinning at me, as if saying, "Now finish me off, you bitch!" A task which I did, with a gulp of Coke after each painstakingly-made bite.

Lunchtime for that day was martyrdom. Dessert had to be half a pack of Polo mints to neutralise the taste of the Stilton. I was ashamed that I had fallen victim to a food item which I always insisted would never find its way in my stomach. To be honest, I always try to experiment with new, unusual foods and have succeeded in having most: snails, urchins, horse, tripes, black pudding...and might have succumbed to blue cheese at some point. But definitely not such an intense baptism of fire. Definitely not an enormous baguette loaded with Stilton!

Now, that the Stilton is out of my system and I have come to terms with the reality of me having consumed blue cheese as a result of my ignorance of the subject, I can confidently say that a well-known saying usually restricted to people can be safely extrapolated to foods: "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer!"