Cousin of the bride

Note:

This post might, at times, seem to be a lesson in demographics, wedding planning services or even a genealogical research project, but is generally not intended to be anything of the sort. The occasional commentaries are necessary simply to help the non-Maltese reader get better acquainted with my own background and that of Malta's culture.

Maltese families tend to be quite big, mainly due to the extensive number of relatives one will have from the Baby Boomers generation, i.e., that of my parents. Possibly the strong Catholic culture, which, till very recently, moulded the Maltese society, led to couples having vast numbers of children in the post war years; families with 8+ children were not uncommon! In fact, I have a total of 15 uncles and aunts. Out of these, 3 had settled permanently in the U.K. before I was born and, consequently, having grown up in Malta, unfortunately failed to be present for virtually all major events in the lives of my 7 U.K. cousins. However, now that I am in the U.K. myself, things are, of course, slightly different! All but 2 of my U.K. cousins got married before I moved to London and 4 of them now have children of their own; indeed I have attended christening ceremonies and birthday parties of a few but this week I managed to attend one "big" ceremony: the wedding of my cousin Anna to Paul.

Generally, I do not like ceremonies at all: I hate formalities (though always seem to bring on more of these unto myself due to my persistent academic ventures), I am not a fan of picture posing (though many say I am photogenic) and I get claustrophobic feelings when I button up all of my shirt buttons AND, even more so, when I wear a tie (and there is no "though" appendage to this fact, period). This time, I was quite excited about this ceremony: it was going to be a good occasion to meet all of my U.K. relatives at once (and all 'live', beyond Facebook and email), it promised to include bounteous food and booze (more on that later) and I was going to wear, for the first time, a cuff-linked shirt. The latter I bought especially for the occasion and, since I had wanted to wear one of the sort (as opposed to the conventional type) for a while, I was looking forward for the 'dressing up' bit. Besides, this was going to be the first English wedding I will be attending (not to mention that, being on a Friday, it meant taking a day off and enjoying a long weekend). All these factors combined together made 04/12/09 a day to look forward to.

The weather on the eve of the wedding was rubbish: cold and rainy. I dreaded the very idea of having to travel up to Harrow in typical winter weather. But Friday morning was beautiful: sun and blue, cloudless skies. Perfect. I opted for the cleanly-shaven look - very unusual for me, but since the Brits are such hardcore conservatives, I knew that all men will be lacking any form of beard and me attending with facial hair, albeit groomed, would make me stand out like a sore thumb. Morning shower, after shave, hair fixing, careful dosage of Burberry perfume so as not to tickle my nose unnecessarily, trousers, socks, shoes, shirt, belt, tie and jacket and off to the Tube. I was not running late but simply had not enough time to clear up all the mess in my room; for the first time in my life, I left home without first putting all in place...

I arrived at the church bang on time at 1pm (the bride was almost half an hour late anyway) and after the first couple of greetings, I made my way in. The service itself was quite similar to what a normal Roman Catholic wedding ceremony would be in Malta, except that no Communion was administered. Alas, yet another bearer of the Micallef name in the U.K. was gone and Anna had become Mrs. Brennan. I later pointed out to my uncle that unless my 2 male (Micallef) cousins have boys of their own in the future (after having both fathered a girl each), the fate of the Micallef name was essentially dependent on me! The guarantee of the survival of the name for at least another generation would be left entirely in my hands to have a boy at some point! Well, not exactly my hands, but you know what I mean! Quite a responsibility placed on me there!

By the end of the service, the English sun had already retired for the day and thus the day got a bit fresher. A short drive down to Ealing and the reception was about to begin. Now this is where things get different from the stereotypical Maltese wedding. Most wedding functions in Malta take the form of a standing up cocktail reception with passed canapés and that sort of food items and usually served with an open bar with free flowing booze. After 2 or 3 hours, the couple make their first dance, they cut the wedding cake, the bride throws her bouquet and off they head for their nuptial night. The course of events which were to follow in the English wedding differed slightly, as I soon was about to start discovering as the night unfolded.

Upon arrival at the reception venue at around 3pm, us guests were greeted by a welcoming drink and light canapés; I opted for the warm mulled wine option, given that (a) it smelt wonderful and (b) needed to warm up slightly from the external chill and (c) I prefer wine more than anything else. More greetings with my relatives followed, with me giving updates from Malta and I getting news from each of my fellow U.K. family members. My cousin's husband Rob immediately found out that I was pretty much a virgin attendee at an English wedding (no pun intended!) and promised to be my personal tutor for the night. After the welcome drinks, guests headed to the bar, where they started with pre-meal drinks. Most opted for beer - typical English behaviour. Thus, I had my first beer of the night, a Guinness by default.

After the pre-meal drinks, we made our way to the banqueting area, where the guests were seated and ready to start dining. A 3 course meal of warm soup, roast and Yorkshire pudding (what else?!) and finally Baci cake, all washed down with constantly-topped-up wine (definitely red in my case) and finally a coffee. By 7pm, I sensed it was going to be an early night but Rob promptly indicated that the fun part was about to begin. I found out that 3 speeches would follow, 1 by each of the following: the bride's father, the groom and the bestman. Before the speeches, every guest had to guess how long all speeches would take and put money on the gamble: a mere £1. After all was said, the person who had made the best guess would then get all the money in the kitty. Not bad. From my inexperience, I guessed 27 minutes (I later found out that I was WAY out by a factor of 2).

The speeches were hilarious but I strictly do not wish that these were part of Maltese weddings since they tended to be heavily biased on attacking the groom, so definitely no thank you. After the speeches, all headed to the bar area again or, more precisely, to the bar, where some serious drinking started going on. To fit in handsomely with the English way of doing things, I opted for gin-and-tonic, on the rocks, with a slice of lemon and this was to be the fixed beverage for the rest of the night (actually I lost count of how often I hopped to and fro fetching gin-and-tonics amidst lively conversations with my cousins, uncles and aunts and other guests I met that day). In the meantime, the banqueting area was stripped of all furniture, creating a fully fletched dance floor, complete with DJ and lights. As I was instructed, people would now start dancing...disco dancing that is!

I am not an avid dancer but, greatly aided by my body's gin-and-tonic content, managed to spin to and whisk to Billie Jean and a number of 1980s classics: Fame, Eye of the tiger and many others which I (understandably) fail to recall at this point in time! Dancing makes you hungry and, thankfully, there were a few munchies provided in the bar area, to which I helped myself generously as the night progressed. Alongside the ever-present G+T. By 11pm, I realised I had to return home by Tube and started to bid my goodbyes, Happy Christmases, all the bests and all that jazz. A quick venture to the Tube station (which, given the context of the mission at that late hour turned out to be a success) and somehow landed at Earl's Court safe and sound. I made my way painfully up the 3 floors, stripped (alas to no one's amusement) and literally fell on my bed till 10.30am the next day.

When I opened my eyes, all I could see was chaos. My first recollection was a scene from the movie The hangover. No, there was no tiger waiting to devour me and I did not lose any teeth. Neither did I have a hangover. The room was just so untidy! I then realised that I had left the day before without putting all in place and returned with no intention of clearing up the mess: clothes, shoes, socks, clothes hangers, towels, shirt packaging, shower gel/deodorant/perfume bottles and what not on my basin. A quick shower brought me to my senses and in no time my room was ordered as usual till it was time for me to leave again for a post-wedding get-together at my uncle's house!

And that was my first English wedding! So, if you had to ask me whether I like English weddings, then rest assured that you would get nothing but one, very wedding-ly answer: "I do".